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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Reasons Why's LiveJournal:

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Monday, June 26th, 2006
7:59 pm
Lala's Reason #112
Very near the beginning of the year I noticed that the guy who writes and draws a webcomic that I'm fond of (Todd and Penguin) had committed to losing 100 pounds this year. That sounded very brave, and to support him, I joined his LiveJournal community (Project One Year) and committed myself to losing 50 pounds this year. I thought that a pound a week sounded reasonable enough and could be done. I'm not doing quite as well as I'd hoped; the year is half over now and I've only lost about 20 pounds, so I'm 5 pounds behind schedule. Still, given the time that I have left, I think I can make that up before December 31st.

I am going to lose this weight because I said that I would. I don't break promises to other people, why should I break one to myself?

Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
12:17 pm
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #30: Bar Stools
There's an image I have in my head of a quintessentially cool woman. She's elegantly dressed, with sleak hair, subtle make-up and discrete jewellery. She walks into a bar and slides nonchalently onto a stool and orders her Scotch neat.

Getting onto a bar stool is, for me, a rather energetic process with much dragging and holding and shifting required. Once there, I perch, not elegantly or even calmly, but precariously with the constant threat that I will simply slide off the thing always in mind. This, sadly, is not the epitome of cool.
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
12:12 pm
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #29: With the band
I spend a lot of time at indie rock concerts and such. Sometimes I'm guest listed in. Sometimes, I even party with the bands afterwards. But no one ever believes the fat chick is with the band.

I want to be thin, so that when I say I'm with the band, people will believe me.

Or at least think the band is likely to think I'm hot, so they let me in anyway.
Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
10:31 am
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #28: Toenail Clipping
The nails on my toes need to be clipped. But clipping my toenails is a rather laborious process that involves much heavy breathing and physical exertion because my stomache gets in the way of any attempt to simply lean forward and reach my toes.
Monday, June 19th, 2006
4:55 pm
Lala's Reason #1: I can't breathe...
I get short of breath easily, even when I'm not doing anything terribly strenuous. I take the steps to the third floor at school and I have to head to the bathroom immediately afterward to hide and try to get my breathing back under control before I go to my classroom. I don't know if it's true or not but I always "feel" the people in the halls looking at me as I pass because I'm sure they can hear me panting. It's a horrible feeling.

And I think that because my face and neck are so fat that it obstructs my breathing some. Sometimes even just standing around or sitting at the computer I will find myself needing to draw a deep breath for more oxygen. I also know that I have problems breathing in my sleep, I can barely breathe at all laying on my back (though sleep apnea alone will be another reason on this list).

I must stick to this because I want to breathe again.
12:23 pm
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #27: Backsliding Hurts
I'd like to be able to gain a few pounds and not have it make me feel like a total loser. If I was thinner, and closer to a good weight, putting on a pound or seven because I had a totally fantastic week of eating with one of the world's great eaters wouldn't feel so bad.
Monday, June 12th, 2006
4:58 pm
Lala's Reason #97: The Mirrored Wall of Horror!!!!!!!!
I can't believe I didn't think of this one sooner! In the room where hubby and I have our computers (I guess it was originally a dining room, but who needs one of those?) we have this wall... it's a real nightmare for a fat family... The entire wall, floor to ceiling, side to side is a mirror. No kidding. Our computer desks sit facing away from each other, each of us toward a wall (but still within footsie distance - or smacking distance, depending...) This arrangement puts the Mirrored Wall of Horror (!!!!!!!!) immediately to my right and about a foot and a half away. Ugh. I have angled my keyboard and chair so that I am turned slightly away from the mirror but every once and a while.... I catch a glimpse. It's made worse by the fact that I have terrible posture, I hunch over like a troll. So I'll get a look at myself, bulbous, hunched over, chins (and other things) a-dangle... and we hang out, ya know, not exactly dressed for company, if ya know what I mean.

Ugh... so, I need to stick with this diet and lose weight so that I don't have to be concerned about accidentally peering into The Mirrored Wall of Horror!!!!!!!!


Current Mood: hungry
10:37 am
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #26: Carry On Luggage
When I travel, I'm always one of those people who has to stand around for half an hour after their plane lands waiting for luggage to arrive, instead of one of those people who just hop off the plane and into their waiting limousine and get whisked off to their final destination.

I'd like to do the carry on only thing, but when your clothing is as large as mine, it takes up a lot more space in a suitcase, and there's just not room for more than a weekend's worth of clothing in a carry on bag.
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
7:15 am
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #25: Even scales think I'm fat
When I started this diet the first time, I had to spend a great deal of time searching for a new scale. I needed one that went over 280 or 300 lbs, and they were few and far between. My first goal weight was 300, not because it was a nice round number, but because that's when the dial stops wrapping around.

When even inanimate objects know you're too fat, you're too fat.
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
11:19 am
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #24: Because 109 days was a few too many
Fat stores hormones. As you gain and lose weight it messes with your hormone levels.

A couple of years ago, right before I went on the big diet, my hormones were so entirely whacked that I had a period that lasted 109 days.

I'm not even going to bother explaining why that was bad.
Friday, June 9th, 2006
11:09 am
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #23: Because food is not the answer
Yesterday, I was stressed out. My luggage hadn't arrived, yet I had a courier notice, which turned out to be not for my luggage but for something else entirely when I shlepped to Purolator to pick it up. So on my way home, I stopped and picked up a wickedly large dinner from a restaurant I've been meaning to try as a way of making myself feel better.

Food is not an adequate response to stress. I'd like to really absorb that, but thus far in my life it doesn't seem to have happened. I suppose I can consider it a minor victory that I didn't also get dairy queen to go with dinner.
Thursday, June 8th, 2006
12:21 pm
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #22: Skirts without Shorts
Whenever I wear a skirt or dress, I wear shorts underneath it to keep my thighs from rubbing together and causing me intense discomfort. I would like to be thin so that my thighs aren't programmed to self-destruct if they get too near each other.
Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
12:19 pm
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #21: Snorkeling
We're going snorkeling in Napili this morning before the wedding. Floating through the water, face down in my oh so attractive swimsuit, I tend to imagine I look like an albino manatee to anyone nearby.

I'd just like to look at the fishes, instead of look like the fishes.
Friday, June 2nd, 2006
12:17 pm
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #20: Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall
There's a fully mirrored closet in the bathroom of the Villa here in Maui. (Feegs, do as I say, not as I do when it comes to stringing together prepositional phrases.)

It is located immediately across from the toilet.

While watching myself go to the bathroom is always something I find at least moderately disturbing, the site of my monstrous thighs in that mirror was utterly revolting.
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
12:15 pm
Jacquilynne's Reasons Why #19: Seatbelt Extensions
Airplane seatbelts are a tricky thing. They're often not big enough for me, at which point, I have to ask for a seatbelt extension. During the busy boarding period, this isn't a request that flight attendants are ever thrilled with or gracious about.

Most airplanes these days, I'm not having a problem with the seatbelts, but with older planes, it's still an issue. It's an issue I'd never like to have again.
Sunday, June 4th, 2006
10:00 pm
Clemie's Reason #5: Cute Clothes
I want to wear cute clothes, and look cute in them. I want to wear nice suits that aren't made of icky polyester blends. I want to wear a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong jacket. I want to wear boyshorts and a tank top. Bathing suits! Oh, yeah, I'm gonna need a bathing suit. Maybe a two-piece. Oh, and a leather jacket which requires less than 3 cows to make, that would be cool. Although, I'd be ok with pleather. And a little black dress, can't not have a little black dress. I mean, right now, I don't have a little black dress, but I'd like to have one when I'm not fat.

I want cute clothes. No more of this Lane Bryant nonsense.
Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
8:16 am
Lala's Reason #11: High School Reunion
Hi... I got here from Clemmie's reason page, and I thought I'd add a few of my own crossposts here...

Lala's Reason #11:
I just had a realization this morning: my 20 year high school reunion (if they have one) will be in just two short years. I didn't go to the 10 year, but I have been considering going to the 20. I don't want to walk in there 90 pounds heavier than the fat girl I used to be. If they remember me at all, they remember me as the fat girl, but I have really packed it on since then. I'd rather go thinner than ever and maybe in the ever popular "little black dress." I may not knock anyone's socks off, but I don't want to live up to their expectations of still being the fat girl, either.

I will not give up on this diet so that I can go to my high school reunion with joy.

-Lala, My 365 Reasons
Friday, June 2nd, 2006
9:07 am
Clemie's Reason #4: I Refuse To Take Mood Meds
Like millions of other people, I suffer from depression. There are times when it feels almost unbearable, times when I can't summon the energy to get out of bed and put on clothing, when every part of my body is aching with some unexplainable pain, and when I can't imagine spending the rest of my life feeling like this. Sure, there are drugs that can help with that; anti-depressants or mood stabilizers could enable me to make it through every day without these lows. As one of my customers aptly said, "In this day and age, there's just no need to feel anything."

I've taken medications to help my moods before. I didn't like it; I didn't feel like me anymore. One of the drugs made me lethargic and monosyllabic. Another made me throw up every day for months. One sent me into a psych ward. Most of the drugs messed up my sleep schedule. Sometimes, the drugs made me amazingly stupid-- incapable of following the plot twists in a Simpsons episode. Almost every time, the drugs made me feel less creative. Frankly, unless I am ever in a situation where I am physically incapable of refusing psych meds, I will never take them again.

The pain is intolerable, the drugs are unacceptable, so I must find another way to manage my depression, and that is through a healthy lifestyle. When I consistently exercise, I don't have as many bad days, and they don't last as long. When I eat properly and maintain a sensible sleep schedule, I'm less likely to be suicidal.

I'm willing to live with unstable moods, because hey, it's life, and I think we're meant to have all these feelings. Living well will help me have more of the good ones.
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
11:04 pm
Reasons Why #1
OK, time to get this started:

Reason 1: I don't want to look like my high school Spanish teacher. She had what we referred to as "perma-preg". She looked pregnant for the entire four years I was in high school. Her belly was constantly distended and I've noticed in the last year or so, mine is too. In the late afternoon my pants ride high and I look 5 months pregnant. It's not pretty and it has to go away.
7:53 am
Jaccquilynne's Reasons Why #18: My Favourite Coat
Just before the turn of the millenium (the fake one, between 1999 and 2000, for all you calendar geeks out there), I bought a beautiful wool dress coat. Specifically, I bought it to wear over my new dress, which I bought for the geekiest New Year's Eve party ever. (Almost all of the attendees worked in IT, so the countdown consisted of '5-4-3-2-1 Check you pager!')

I happen to like this coat quite a lot, I think it's elegant and stylish, and also warm enough for Toronto winters. The problem it has is this:

When I wear it on public transit, people get up to offer me their seats.

I want to be thin so I can wear my favourite coat without people thinking I'm pregnant.

That once I'm thin, my favourite coat will no longer fit is not lost on me, but when it comes to motivation, I work with what I have.
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